armoured | IC Inbox

[Of all the things that happen here, the cycle of death and rebirth is the most pervasively disturbing. He will never ever get used to people returning from the dead, and every new death makes him ever more determined to try and make sure it never happens again.

He feels his heart sink like a brick.

He's not foolish, he knows what cutting things too close on a night means. Someone was trapped out in the snow, left to freeze to death all alone. Was... was it Zack? Has he just returned? His own voice, in direct contrast to Zack's, gets smaller and more concerned.]

What-- what happened?

[ He can hear it in that small voice. Al already knows the gist- picked up on it quickly enough. But then this isn't the first time something like this has happened, is it. He's seen other casts across the network before. People talking to their last breath until whoever or whatever dragged them away. Some people made it back alive. Others didn't.

But no matter how much Al knows of that, it's one thing to know it's happened. It's another when it gets personal. And this... This is... Zack fights through the tightness in his throat to continue. He'd been with Al before. Al had been so elated and relieved to know he'd joined Zack. Known he could trust him and yet here he was...

... ]

Al- I'm sorry, Tadashi, he-- ...He's...

...No...

[He doesn't even realise he's spoken. The word is barely even a word, more of a horrified and heartbroken sound.

Tears that he desperately wants to shed, and yet can never be shed, are thick in the back of his throat to mock him with making his non-existent lungs feel tight. He wants to be sick, to shout and scream, to deny that Zack could be telling the truth about this.

He had promised to look out for Tadashi. He promised not to let anything happen to him, and he has been conflicted about letting him go off alone ever since he left to find Hiro. He would have gone with him except for his promise to Stephanie, and now-- now...

Guilt crashes through him with the force of a tsunami. He failed. Tadashi was his friend and Al failed him.

For once there are no words of comfort, no attempt to be strong, there's just a tiny noise that might be a stifled dry sob.]

[ Zack starts on something- but that something becomes nothing.

Just... what more can he even say about this? Everything he can think of... It all feels like an excuse. It doesn't change things. It'll never change things. Tadashi's gone. Gone and he'll never come back. He saw it happen. He heard his very last words and in that moment, he can hear them in his head again, see that raised fist and he...

So, he lets Al have his moment... Lets that sink in for him... Lets him mourn that painful loss a moment. Sitting on the other side of the line... Waiting... Waiting for a right moment. But then... is there every any right moment during these kinds of times? But he can't let Al sink on this... He needs to know, yes. But he also needs to...

Tadashi wouldn't want...

Blinking back tears... Clearing his throat again, he starts almost meekly: ] Al... I need yo- [ He stops himself a beat, trying to play off that crack in his voice as a cough. ] I need you to listen to me. Because this is important, okay?

[He barely even remembers that Zack is still there on the other end of the line.

All he can hear is a dull rushing sound as if he's about to faint or as if the world has dropped away beneath him, two impossibilities that seem as if they're happening nonetheless.]

I--

[No, he can't speak. What can be said that hasn't already? Tadashi is gone, he died, and nothing either of them say can change that at all. He makes a faint noise that might be a hum of agreement that he will listen, or might just be a soft whimper of grief.]

[ He waits again. Waits until Al's ready. Zack's never been one to express a lot of patience in his life before. But... Least to say, there are some things that have taught him better of it. That in these times of grief especially... well.

Patience is all he can really give. Especially knowing how awful he, himself, is feeling... He can only imagine how Al must be...

It's only in that soft note that Zack moves his lips to speak again. No matter where he goes... life has such a way of being so harsh in the end. So unkind to the people who never deserved it. Both the lost... and the ones who suffered from that loss.

He bites his lip. ] Look- I know you want to blame yourself just as much as I do. [ Correction: He still does, really. ]

But... he- he said so, himself. That he.. didn't want anyone to blame themselves. I... I think we should try to honor that. [ Those few last words... Those last requests... ]

[Each word is like another knife deep into his heart.

He feels a sudden and traitorous surge of anger towards Tadashi. How dare he leave them? How dare he tell them not to lay the blame where it was due? How-- How could he cause them so much pain?

But the anger fades almost as soon as it flared, washed away by the ocean of sadness that swallowed the drop of rage easily. He can't believe his closest friend here is gone, he should have been there. No matter what Tadashi had said, selfless to the last, he was wrong.]

Yeah. I-- He was right, none of you are to blame, I know you would never have left him behind.

[His voice sounds strange to his own ears. His hand hovers over the button to terminate the call, to run from the news, but he doesn't. Not yet.]

Is-- Are the rest of you okay?

Edited 2015-10-10 09:50 (UTC)

[ It feels cruel, in reality, to have to deliver those kinds of words to someone he knows cared deeply for Tadashi- and knowing Al and especially hearing him now, the kid had definitely... Maybe Zack's just making things worse though. He doesn't know. But he does know that if it was someone who mattered a lot to him, he'd want to know their last words, too.

Even if they aren't easy ones to hear.

Even if he can read between the lines almost immediately after Al speaks them. Not that he can talk, himself, but it makes him squeeze a hand into a tight fist all the same. ]

We will be... I'll make sure of it. [ He pauses at that. Debates on arguing. But the truth is he's just so damned tired. And in the end, if Al's anything like him as far as stubbornness goes, it'll be fruitless anyway. So, he'll try the next best thing as he slowly relaxes that hand. ]

Al... You keep in touch, you hear me? If anything happens... you let me know. [ There's another pause before: ] You know I'll listen.

[He knows that Zack is only trying to make things better.

Any other time he would be applauding him for it, and probably even joining in to try and make both their pain less. He knows that he will have to get back up from this and keep moving on, but not... not right now. Right now it feels too raw and too painful to even think about making light of it.

Tadashi is gone, and he's not the first person here that Al has failed. God help him, he has to be the last or Al doesn't know how much longer he will hold together.

He only manages a tiny hum of acknowledgement for the offer, not even agreement, before he's terminating the call and pushing the tablet far out of reach.]

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I love how it's like DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. And then failure happens elsewhere.

I know right, they're such losers

ooc: Just dating this for later reference. Took place on the night of Day 41.